I love the Bay to Breakers. It's pure fun, and pure San Francisco. But when I registered for it yesterday, I discovered Active.com is selling training plans for $25. $25?!?!?!?‽‽‽‽ Look, you don't really need a training plan for the Bay to Breakers--quite often you can't even run it's so crowded. But I can understand how some people may be more comfortable with one. So, as a public service, here's a training plan everyone can follow, completely free:
Step One: Six weeks before the race, start running a little bit every other day. Begin with a mile or two and increase your mileage and frequency.
Step Two: Learn to shotgun a beer. To do this you will need a house-key. And a beer.
Step Three: On the night before the race, go to a bar with 25 of your closest friends. Lie, and claim it is your birthday
Step Four: Continue drinking until approximately 5 am race day
Step Five: Snort some meth. If no meth is available, try ecstasy. LSD will do in a pinch. Avoid cocaine, as it is a diuretic.
Step Six: At about 8 am, pile into a taxicab with several strangers, and ask to be taken downtown. It does not matter where.
Step Seven: Scarf down a bunch of tortillas you find on the pavement.
Step Eight: Make out with some old naked dude while your friends take photos.
Step Nine: Once the race has begun, shotgun a beer or two (this is when all your training pays off!)
Step Ten: Take off all your clothes and begin heading West.
Step Eleven: When you get to the top of Alamo Square, run into the bushes to vomit and/or pee.
Step Twelve: Wander into a house party on Fell Street. WARNING: this could be your last chance for beer!
Step Thirteen: As you pass under the bridge in Golden Gate Park, take a moment to reflect on all your many blessings. Puke again.
Step Fourteen: Wake up naked, cold, dehydrated and confused at Ocean Beach late Sunday evening.
Step Fifteen: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU MADE IT!!!!!
Photo credit: Jesse Keyes
Note: this text originally appeared in a slightly different form in my Twitter feed.
